Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
