I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
