i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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