i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize