I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
