"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
