Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
