You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
