I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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