we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
