i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
