I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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