I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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