I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
