Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
