I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
