Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
