dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
