literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize