How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
