Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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