quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
