is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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