I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
