i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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