i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I FOUND THE LEGS
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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