A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize