just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
