Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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