He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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