If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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