I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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