Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
