It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize