i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
