I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
