Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
