I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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