You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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