Sorry, I don't speak sober.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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