I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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