I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
