Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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