he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
