She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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