I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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