Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Someone came in the potted fern
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
