I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
