girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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