Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
