Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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