You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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