Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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