Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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